Acting In My Divine Woman
This may sound strange because I am a woman, however, I am not referencing my gender rather feminine energy. It was not until recently, through therapy, that I became aware that I was living through my masculine energy due to my childhood trauma. My masculine energy manifested itself negatively through hyper independence, discomfort with emotions, trust issues, the inability to ask for help, and my hard to read demeanor. I do not intend to give any advice on “how to be more divinely feminine” because I am still learning but I do want to share my knowledge.
The Process of Recognition
In all honesty, I do not think that I realized I was living in an imbalance until I fell in love with my vices. That is a range of things and people. Although this sounds dramatic, I was never addicted to substances, just twisted intimacy. Like any other fresh university student, I reveled in freedom and enjoyed the process of socializing while building my identity. However, my first real sexual experience was a violation. I spent two years in denial, and I could not understand why I felt so deeply connected to them despite what transpired. Fast forward a few years and I found myself in a toxic on and off situation-ship with a person who has narcissistic tendencies (I know immaculate taste). Therapy is how I better understand my choices and how it all relates to my past. I hope that sharing this information will inspire anyone who reads this because the truth is, without this pain, I would not recognize my unhealed self.
Using Masculine Energy as a Defence Mechanism
Although those are just some of the traumas I experienced, those are the most impactful ones. Simply because it was not until I was required to be vulnerable, when I noticed my hyper independence. As well as saying I love you for the first time for me to feel comfort in emotion. I also needed moments of being asked to open myself up and share for me to realize that I created a wall inside myself. Through therapy I learned that these techniques were learned because that is what worked for me growing up. Except now that I am older those same behaviours are what hinder me. This is when I realized that I need to step into my divine feminine. This is not to say that I am losing my ambition or drive, nor does it mean that I lack action and discipline. It simply means that my life requires me to move in a gentler way for me to continue growing. Without realizing the influence that my masculine energy has on me is the reason why I have been able to handle being a full time student, work, and a social life. Now, I am learning how to put my wellbeing first while creating a career that is an extension of my skill. Surprisingly, this involves stepping into my femininity.
What Feminine Practice Looks for Myself?
In terms of my career, it is being patient and enjoying the process of practicing my passions and challenging my growth. In terms of my physical being, it is showing my personality through my wardrobe and using exercise as a tool for a better lifestyle rather than aesthetic. Most importantly in relationships it is accepting the actions without justifying things for the better, or in other words taking actions at face value. These are all habits that I am still trying to implement in my life and each day I am still learning to be comfortable with these practices. Every day is different, and some days are not as great as others, but I am also learning to accept that each day is not always going to be my best day. Stepping into my feminine energy also helps me understand why I was so passionate about terrible men. I learned that I fell in love with being part of their change, this gave me an unhealthy reassurance of being special. The problem is that I ignored my standards with the demand that they would meet them, instead of accepting that they cannot.
Take Away
Stepping in my feminine energy is unknown and scary for someone like myself because I am used to living in my masculine. It always worked in my favour but at the same time it is also how I burned myself out. Personally, the best lesson I learned through practicing feminine energy is acceptance. Regardless of witnessing the best or worst side a person shows you, it is my responsibility to adjust their access accordingly. Submitting to myself and my standards does not mean I demand it from others, rather, I accept what I am given and only surround myself with those that can meet them.
